There is a verse in the Bible (Numbers 32:23) that promises that your sin will find you out. Basically that means, the stuff you want to keep a secret, you can’t keep secret, no matter how hard you try. I want to share a secret with you. Because I’m a pastor, I get to know lots of stuff about you.
Your parents tell me things. Your friends tell me things. Your teachers tell me things. Facebook tells me many things, about you. That may not seem fair, but it’s true and I want you to know.
There is some information that I have that I cannot keep quiet about any longer. I’m tired of watching the lives of teenagers, whom I care about, become wrecked and ruined. One of the things that I know about students in general, which is also true of too many students in my church, is that there are some hurtful and destructive choices being made. There are some choices being made between girls and guys that are just breaking my heart. These hurtful and destructive choices have become normal in our culture. These hurtful and destructive choices are becoming normal in our church.
Not every student is involved. Take heart parents. Not every student is involved. But, every student is now faced with this new normal. Every student has to decide which path to take. Too many of our students feel like they are walking alone. Too many of our students feel like they can walk in secret. Every student needs their parents to talk with them, walk with them and show them the way through this mine field.
The things I’m about to share with you, I share with a broken heart that is filled with love for the students and families in my church. I love you. Honestly, I’m a bit afraid for you. One of the reasons that I’m afraid is that I know that fun comes quickly with these choices and many times the consequences, the hurt and the real destruction doesn’t show up until years later.
The New Normal
1. Students have been raised on porn.
It’s easy to get and it’s free. They watch it online. They watch it on their phones. They watch it on their game systems. They watch it alone. They watch it with their friends. They watch it at school. There is no place that they don’t watch it, if they can avoid being caught. Now, before anyone starts getting angry with teenagers, we need to remember…
- Adults create porn.
- Adults created a porn saturated society.
- Adults create the technology that makes it easy and free to access.
- Adults buy the technology for them.
Students are naturally and rightly curious. Too many of them, however, have been thrust into a world without any barriers and boundaries. They become hooked. They become conditioned to treat each other like commodities, as a little less than human. One of the unintended consequences is that this generation believes they have a right to see what was once considered private and sacred.
2. Students live like porn.
- Guys continually ask girls for oral sex and sex.
- Guys continually ask girls for naked pictures of themselves.
- Girls think this behavior is normal and acceptable.
They ask in person. They ask on Facebook. They ask in text messages. Most students stay plugged in and can’t imagine unplugging from their social networks. The phone is never off, especially at night after mom and dad go to bed.
Parents, this means that when your daughters are online or texting, they are not safe from the advance of sexually charged, porn fed boys. Your girls are not safe in their own rooms. Your girls are not safe sitting on the couch next to you. Your girls are not safe when riding in the car on a family outing. Your girls are not safe at church.
When you place boundaries in these areas, you give them rest from the pursuit. I strongly encourage parents to establish boundaries and engage your students in their online and texting social networks.
What’s At Stake?
I care for your families and I love your students. These choices will bring death and destruction to the lives of teenagers. The sinister and tricky thing about it though, is that the symptoms and the destruction doesn’t show until a long time after the fun is gone. Because the fun is instant and the consequences are delayed, many are inclined to distrust this warning. Here are just a few reasons why I want to shine a light into this thinly veiled, secret life of church going students.
1. This behavior will wreck your future relationships. It’s the ones in the future that you will care about most.
2. This behavior will inhibit your ability to receive and give intimacy in the future.
3. This behavior ruins your credibility and character.
4. GUYS: This behavior makes you an enemy of God and his purpose for each girl you mess with.
5. If you call yourself a Christian, you become the reason people reject God and believe Christianity is fake.
Practical Advice for Guys, Girls and Parents
I know this wasn’t a fun read. If you made it to this point,
Good job! Thanks for hanging in there with me. You’re almost done.
As dark and heavy as this seems, there is real hope. God has a plan for you, for each student and their futures. He is good, loving and eager to forgive and cleanse. He has provided wisdom for us that is found in his Word. There is no substitute for reading and applying what we read in his Word. There is no substitute for prayer. God wants us to trust him, and to trust his way. So, here are some simple choices that you can make to participate with him in the good works that he wants to do in your life. These choices are simple, but that doesn’t mean that they’re always easy.
GUYS: How To Treat Girls:
1. Talk to, chat with and message her with respect. Refuse to talk about or joke about anything that could be thought of as sexual.
2. Talk about, chat about or message about her with respect.
3. When you are with her:
- All clothes stay on.
- If a bathing suit covers it, don’t touch it.
- Never lay down together.
4. Respect her parents. This one will be tough if you are not used to respecting your own.
5. Respect her future husband.
6. Respect her Savior.
GIRLS:
There are some guys out there who are thieves. They want to take from you the good life and gifts that God wants for you. Thieves are sneaky. That means that they will act trustworthy, to get you to lower your guard so that they can take from you. A thief will say that he cares. A thief will act like he cares. Thieves will get you to care about them. A thief will work hard to earn your trust so that he can abuse your trust. Don’t let in a thief.
How To Spot a Thief
1. Any guy who asks you to break or compromise your values is a thief.
2. Any guy who asks you to disrespect or disobey your parents is a thief.
3. Any guy who asks you to go against God’s commandments is a thief.
PARENTS:
Forget the TALK. Start having conversations, safe and honest conversations. Do everything in your power to communicate to your teens that you care and that you want to know what it’s like for them. Share with them what it was or is like for you. Let them know that you are on their side. Establish boundaries and let them know the why behind the boundary.
1. Don’t assume that church kids are immune to this. This includes teenagers who serve and publicly express love for Jesus.
2. Read their texts and Facebook messages. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Our children need to know that there is no domain in their lives in which we are not the stewards, protectors and providers for and over them.
3. If or when you discover disturbing behavior, freak out in private. Our children sometimes need us to be firm; they always need us to be under control. 4. DADS: Talk to the boys who spend time with your daughters. Make it crystal clear to them what your expectations are. Instill respect, in them, for you.
5. Eliminate all access to pornography.
6. Pray until you lose your voice.
Church Is Messy (and that's a good thing) 
Thank you Rick! It’s a great reminder to us parents of how it really is in the lives of kids and the pressures they face. And I know that you must know more than anyone. I appreciate your honesty and your perseverance in this matter. Keep it up! I hope every parent starts praying for the purity of our children.
Outstanding Rick, thank you !
THAT WAS AWESOME! It’s a great reminder to all! Thanks for that message Rick and for being honest! The Lord has blessed us with an awesome pastor! Thanks again Rick!
Two Thumbs Up!
Thanks, Rick. I’m passing this along to my teenage grandkids.
Rick, you are a pretty amazing guy. I love to think how light reviews what is in the dark….especially for us “oldies”!
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, for taking the time to bring this difficult subject to light. It is time for us as parents to unite together, stand firm against this darkness, and reach out to our hurting teens. God bless you Rick
Any suggestions for a parent who is seeking “Geek Help” to apply parental blocks for the computer?
you just want to block your son from connecting with the rest of his family. Someday he will hate you for denying him birthrite.
Hmm, my family has always used Covenant Eyes, but I’ve found it to be a little buggy here and there. Nearly impossible to go around though (Yes, there are ways, sadly. I found one by accident, and it is impossible to fix. I was enough of a big boy to get rid of the way around it, but you may not be able to depend on that.
Fortunately, the way around it is pretty complicated, but any guy that wants a way around it could find out about it, sooner or later. They may lack the technical know how, which is fortunate.)
I have heard good things about other programs, but I’d recommend starting with searching google with search words like: “internet filter programs”, “internet filter free”, “web address blocker” etc.
A fair warning, this will take a bit of technical know-how to get setup, but I’m very certain that you will be glad that you did later. 🙂
Thank you for the reminder to NEVER let up on what is right and pure and just. We get lulled by life and forget to keep the bar where it belongs. AND I love the “pray til you lose your voice!” MOST important.
Good reminder, Rick. I would only add that girls can be the “thieves” too. They are both responsible for their actions and for taking advantage of the other.
Very true. I didn’t address that reality because it wasn’t part of the dilemma facing us at that time.
Well knock yourself out. I for one only feel guilt for thgins that I have personally done that warrrant such an emotion. Yes serial killers are 99.9% white yet I don’t lay the blame for their crimes on some some other demographic. On the contrary, I’ll lead the cheer for them to be executed so as not to continue wasting my oxygen.See I don’t whine that all the serial killers are white. I don’t care, I just want them eliminated from polite society.And you’re responding to the question you’d like to hear, rather than the one I asked. DBQ suggested that blacks sound feel collective guilt for the acts of black criminlas and I asked if white people were obligated to do the same. No whine about it.”whining” is one of those dismissive words that get thrown out in conversations about race as a rhetorical jab; it allows you to diminish an argument rather than actually answer it. Your answer did in fact reinforce my point that assuming that black people should feel collective guilt over the actions of an individual holds them to a different standard than most people hold themselves to. Most everyone wants to see crooks locked up; but how many of us are expected to personally or collectively falsely accused to see that happen? How many are willing to submit to random stops and searches to make the criminal justice system run a little smoother? And is it even reasonable to do so? Because you’re not the average case the case of saying “big deal,deal with it” is practically none, therefore your accusation of whining is similarly discounted.Junyo, you are a complete fool. Your arguments are asinine. Your discussion has degraded everyone who read it, and diminished the collective IQ of the entire universe.Ah, the insult instead of an actual response. Thanks for demonstrating your utter lack of actual arguments.
MFpkRj qmbjomqbyioo
You mentioned hosting Hank Hanegraaff while talking about Joyce & Joel’s lack of financial accountability. Did you ask Hank about him borrowing close to 3/4 million dollars from his ministry for a house for himself years ago. In was all over the OC Register newspaper. The same shoes fit all.
I fully agree with this article!! As a mother of 2 teenage boys, I would like to point out something. Boys are not always the predator. Girls are very aggressive these days. They barely cover themselves, even for school. They like to send unsolicited nude pics to boys. And offer themselves up unsolicited as well. I am not saying that boys are all innocent Opie Taylors, but just want to point out that the girls need to be addressed on how they dress, and act in public, private, and online as well…I know my boys are far from innocent, but the girls don’t make it any easier.
Great article. I only have two minor disagreements. First, as others have mentioned, girls are often as aggressive, if not more so than the guys. It is a different world than the one in which we grew up.
Second, and this is a big one, if you are waiting until they are teenagers to talk to them, you are late to the party. I have a 10 year old, in 5th grade, and we started having talks about this stuff last year because he was coming home with questions. On the one hand, I think that is way too young, and I wish he could just be a kid for a bit longer. On the other hand, this is the world in which we live, and I am glad he had the courage to come to me and ask. Lesson learned. If you are not talking to your children by the fourth grade about the opposite sex, you can bet somebody else is.
I thought it was a good article, however, I thought it was biased against boys. You can not blame boys any more than girls for what goes on between them. In my opinion, the way girls dress and conduct themselves will say a lot to a boy and how the boy conducts himself towards the girl. I just found this article sounding like a boy is like a lion out to devour a girl, and as a mother of 3 boys, kind of found it offensive. In my opinion, parents are the most to blame for not setting more boundaries and being more involved in their children’s lives. I do agree with you that “the parent will set the precedence” for the children. Parents need to be more involved….period.
:WALL OF TEXT INCOMING:
As a “good kid”, I mostly approve this message. I don’t look at porn, I go to church, I read my bible as often as I remember, I don’t cuss, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs, I’m in scouts and I set a good example.
Now, I’m home-schooled and I often feel that there are few places where I feel safe to speak my mind.
That brings me to my disagreeing with the article. I literally agreed with every single point up until the check Facebook messages and texts part. Here’s why: I don’t hide anything other than some of my emotions from my parents.
If I knew they were always watching, always reading the amount of safe people that I could go to vent to would go down significantly. These are some of the questions I have:
•What if I have a frustration with my parents?
•What if I know that they are right, but I would still like think out loud?
•Would I then take that to my parents?
•What if they don’t listen?
Now, I totally get the whole protection thing. I think that that is great, especially for younger teens. However, I have seen kids who are over protected. Think about it this way:
There are strong winds in the sky. Winds that can steer towards their life goal, or their doom, depending on the wisdom of the flyer.
The parents, protect their child by using a rubber band to hold him fast to the ground, to keep him close to them, and safe from the wind.
When the child turns 18/or goes off to college, the parents release their grip. The child will fly into the air and flail around, and then come crashing back to the ground.
On the other hand, there are parents that will instead let their kids fly in the sky by using a kite string. It’s in a safe environment, and the parents are there to help and keep the kid grounded.
The child is released, and remembers how it was flying before, and would hopefully continue to fly in that manner.
I think in this case, it’s knowing your kid. It’s finding out how much trust they deserve, and letting them know that it’s something to be earned. It’s empowering them to be responsible adults. It’s about letting them fly safely, and then watching them soar later.
Regardless, this was just my one sticking point, and being a kid, I’m obviously biased. But, I still thought that it would be nice to hear from a diverse audience, so that’s why I wrote the comment.
Have a nice day! 🙂
I wanted to add what Tricia above said. I raise sons… I have found it just as difficult to deal with girls. Te need to protect your daughters is not the only need. There are aggressive girls out there and they are posting near naked pics on fb and talking less than clean to your sons. They are stumblingblocks of danger to your sons….boys can be just as pure as a pure girl and girls can be just as dangerous as a dangerous boy. They all need taught how to live and think and behave. This blog…though a good start…is one sided. If you as a man didn’t have the experience of being the one pressured by girls you need to understand that girls may be different now… or maybe you are different than you were? I don’t know… but all boys don’t fit the description you’ve given. I know three right now who I raise that don’t and I’m meeting more every day who don’t fit it. Appreciate your heart in this. Would like to see a more balanced view written.
This is absolutely ridiculous. You make it seem that girls are constantly victimized and cannot think for themselves. You paint boys as predators who think about sex, sex, sex. Teach girls to think for themselves; teach them that they are string and have their own voice. Teach them to respect themselves. Teach boys to respect themselves just the same. You act like sex is the worst thing in the world, yet your proposed solutions are top scare them away from it earthen than educate them on the good and bad of sex and the consequences off having sex before you’re ready. Raising children who are afraid of sex and see it as dirty will only lead to sexual repression, poor adult relationships, or college aged rebellion. I’ve seen it. The little Christian girls are the drunkest at the frat parties. I feel sorry for all of your children.
(I apologize for the typos. I’m on my tablet, which uses text predict, often poorly.)
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and to craft a comment. I wrote this for a particular crowd in a specific context.
I’m the husband of a stellar woman and dad to two girls. I would never mean to demean girls. I do contend that all teenage boys have sex on the brain constantly. Staying the fact that there are boys who ask for sexual acts, photos etc from girls is on no way asserting that all do. But all are exposed to this reality as a new normal.
I’m curious. What specific thing that I wrote do you take issue with?
“Parents, this means that when your daughters are online or texting, they are not safe from the advance of sexually charged, porn fed boys. Your girls are not safe in their own rooms. Your girls are not safe sitting on the couch next to you. Your girls are not safe when riding in the car on a family outing. Your girls are not safe at church”
Girls watch porn too. Girls ask for sex and offer to send dirty pictures. It goes both ways. Females can be just as sexually aggressive as males. Not all boys think about sex 24/7. Most of my friends were males when I was in high school and I remained a virgin that whole time. My make friends weren’t trying to have sex with me every time they texted me. That’s ridiculous.
“1. This behavior will wreck your future relationships. It’s the ones in the future that you will care about most.
2. This behavior will inhibit your ability to receive and give intimacy in the future.
3. This behavior ruins your credibility and character.
4. GUYS: This behavior makes you an enemy of God and his purpose for each girl you mess with.
5. If you call yourself a Christian, you become the reason people reject God and believe Christianity is fake.”
1. Having sex doesn’t wreck your future relationships unless all you do is talk about the other people you had sex with our are addicted to porn. I don’t care who my fiance had sex with before meeting me. That’s irrelevant.
2. No, but being afraid of sex will inhibit your ability to be intimate with your future partner.
3. Your sex life is private. Don’t make it public and don’t pull an Anthony Weiner and be an adulterating ass and your credibility will be fine.
4. Lol. I thought the Christian god was loving and forgiving. Way to instill more fear of intimacy.
5. The reason I reject Christianity has nothing to do with teens having sex, but it does have something to do with people like you who indoctrinate your children and instill fear into them to get them to behave as you desire.
“3. When you are with her:
All clothes stay on.
If a bathing suit covers it, don’t touch it.
Never lay down together.”
Lol, good luck with either of them listening to that.
“Respect her future husband.”
… because every woman in the world gets married. Right.
“There are some guys out there who are thieves. They want to take from you the good life and gifts that God wants for you. Thieves are sneaky. That means that they will act trustworthy, to get you to lower your guard so that they can take from you. A thief will say that he cares. A thief will act like he cares. Thieves will get you to care about them. A thief will work hard to earn your trust so that he can abuse your trust. Don’t let in a thief.”
Do you want your daughters to be afraid of men? Ffs.
Are those enough specific things for you?
This is nonsense, as well as demeaning to both males and females. Since you’ve already admitted that our children are exposed to porn and questionable behavior, you should use that knowledge to make sure they understand about safe sex, what the definition of “no” is to keep boys from raping and girls from being assaulted, and teach them that if they make a mistake you will still love them.
The fact is both male and female adolescents are going to have sex, not all, but most. I’m no spring chicken and today’s morals aren’t much different than when I grew up. Maybe they start a few years younger, all the more reason to educate them. I wasn’t a bad kid as a teenager, but I had sex. I went to church faithfully, volunteered my Saturday mornings helping elderly parishioners, sang in the choir, attended Sunday school and youth group, and grew up in an exemplary Christian family. But some of the best parties I ever went to happened during youth group trips after lights out.
If your teenager wants to have sex, he/she is going to. Abstinence isn’t realistic. Make sure they know it would be best to wait, and your reasons for asking them to wait, but please educate them on birth control, consent, and safety as well.
the internet is well named
It casts a net of corruption around the inter workings of the heart and mind.
I frankly consider it a satanic triumph that they have the ‘monitors’ even in the elementary schools, preparing a bunch of docile sheep to swallow what ever the ‘search engines’ determine needs to be there. and do not hold your breath for the likes of Google and Yahoo to be concerned about Christian Morals or Ethics.
It is a paradise for deception since the liars hind behind a keyboard somewhere or anywhere, and can assume any sort of fictitious identity.
the Internet will make the corruptions of TV look very timid.
Brace yourself.
May be a great idea to unplug the garbage on the Lord’s day at least.